I was considering on making a big update tomorrow with my gratitude post, but I remember last week’s post and it was really half complaint, half gratitude. So I decided to make this heavy post today to leave tomorrow’s light-hearted and thankful like Wednesdays are supposed to be.
It’s crazy because I do have so much to be thankful for. I am of advanced maternal age, high risk, and diabetic. There are so many reasons why I couldn’t have a healthy baby but I have defied all the odds and all the NT and genetic testing came back completely healthy and fine. When I take that into consideration my heart is happy and I am proud of the work I’ve done. I should be flying high, but …
It’s a boy.
My heart was set on this baby being a girl. Gender disappointment is a real thing, and for someone who normally struggles with anxiety and depression and can’t take their medication it magnifies it even worse. I’m lucky though because I have the support system of an amazing family on both sides and the sting of not having the girl I want is already starting to fade. The thing is, I believe everything happens for a reason. God gave us a boy – a healthy, perfect baby boy – for a reason. It’s not my job to question him or control freak every bit of this pregnancy. That has given me the most solace over anything else.
In actual struggles, I started insulin today. I was taking metformin but because of the way a pregnant body works during pregnancy, the doctor decided to go ahead and put me on insulin which is fine. I take 28 units of novolog and 56 units of humulin in the morning and 21 units of each at night. I have to eat six times a day which means I make alarms on my phone to remind me because that is how scatterbrained I am. I have to wear this stretchy wristband that says “diabetic” on it and keep juice and crackers hidden everywhere around the house. I’m terrified I’m going to mess it up and end up collapsed somewhere at home by myself. It really sucks but I’ll keep working at it and hopefully not mess up.
Now I try to put together a Despicable Me nursery and plan for Kristopher Donovan to come into our lives in December. No matter how whiny I am, life is good. Everything is good and will be fine.